Nina Easton "Plea" is the same old Adoption Industry Propaganda

Nina Easton, journalist and adoptive mother who wrote an opinion piece "A Mother's Day plea to stop equating adoption with abandonment" published in the Washington Post, is trying to alter the perception of adoption in a country whose understanding of adoption is, at best, rudimentary.  How can we consider “celebrating” adoption when the entire institution is so biased against the natural mother and her child?  We are given only part of the picture of adoption in mainstream media which is usually that of the adoptive parent. 

Ms. Easton is not introducing any new ideas in her plea for America to “celebrate” women who relinquish their children.   This tactic is already used by crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies in business today.  Although she claims the secretive actions of adoption are a thing of the past, denying adoptees access to their own information is still secretive.  Adoption agency’s still use coercive practices to support their multi-billion dollar bottom lines.  An astounding amount of money is still being made by getting women to “heroically” give up their babies. 

Ms. Easton lacks the understanding this “celebration” is inherently coercive.   The expectant mother is being set up to please someone else by making her “mistake” into someone else’s “gift”.  Relinquishment is sold as a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of her parents and society and prove her worth as a human being.   This is a common, and successful, tactic being used by most adoption agencies today.

Ms. Easton believes adoption should not be equated with abandonment.  Instead, we should convince women relinquishment is an act of “bravery and selflessness” on the part of the mother.   How many times has this same line been used to convince soldiers to go to war?  The solider imagines himself after the war, safe and alive, receiving accolades for his bravery.  He doesn't envision the more likely psychological and physical damage just as the “brave and selfless” woman doesn't comprehend the years of pain ahead of her after she’s relinquished or how those who called her “brave and selfless” will abandon her to convince other women of how they, too, can be “heroes”. 

Regardless of all other issues, Ms. Easton’s greatest flaw in reasoning is her belief you can change how an adopted person experiences their own adoption.  Many adoptees report feeling they were abandoned, and it took therapy for most to understand how the act of being rejected by their natural mother affected their lives.  I've read some will never seek therapy because of their own necessity to appear normal, and some will not seek help due to a reluctance to reveal any issues they may have with their adoption to their adoptive parents.   The adopted adult’s over-representation in mental health care and drug and alcohol abuse proves our inadequate understanding of the results of adoption for the adopted individual. So, no matter how much Ms. Easton wishes adoption wasn't about abandonment, for the child, that will never be true. 

Furthermore, Ms. Easton doesn't even touch the discrimination against the same children she is trying to save from abortion.  They are the only group of people in America who are selectively denied the right to know their origins.  Ms. Easton’s cultural “celebration”, if successful, would sentence millions of adults to never knowing who their natural parents are as, in most states, adoptees are required to beg a judge to give them access to information non-adopted adults can send a check with a self-addressed stamped envelope and receive in a matter of days. 

What this country needs to do is stop making adoption about adults, and to stop letting adoption agencies take advantage of women by convincing them theirs will be an act of heroism while withholding the consequences of adoption for their child.    Adoption should not be exclusively about the woman who finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy, and it should never be about the infertile couple who “deserve” her baby.   Once you are pregnant and decide not to have an abortion, it becomes about the child you are carrying and giving them the best life possible.  The best life is, and always will be, with their biological parents in an abuse free home.

Ms. Easton’s motivation in making adoption heroic is centered in the injudicious belief adoption will reduce abortions even though adoption professionals admit this isn't true.  If she was truly concerned about the child, she would encourage legislation to stop the practice of discrimination of adopted individuals by allowing unrestricted access to their original birth certificates and support making open adoption agreements enforceable so the adopted child can have the best of both worlds when an adoption is necessary.  If she truly wanted to make a positive impact, she would support making adoption a more equitable institution for the adoptee and their natural family.   

Happy Mother's Day

Image Courtesy of Graeme Weatherston
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mom's out there.  Enjoy your day!

Circle of Life

My mother works hard on keeping this blog alive. I joined her here so I could write what I witness with my daughter's adoption and show people what it's like for someone so new to being a first mother. I try hard to write a post, but sometimes it seems I only get angrier at the situation. I do not want to repeat what I did on Facebook after I lost my daughter to adoption.  I know my contact with her will be quickly severed if I let my emotions get the best of me publicly.  So, I am writing about something that doesn't make me angry.

I am pretty sure my mom has mentioned her mother, my grandmother, here before.  We lost her to cancer in 2001. Like my mother, I miss my grandmother. Dreams of her come to me almost every night. Dreams in which I usually wake up in tears. In a dream I can remember, all my mom's side of the family are gathered at a house where my grandmother lived.  My brother and sister are talking with our great-grandmother (my mom's grandmother).  My dad is with some guys watching football, and my mother is with her cousin.  They are laughing and teasing each other like they do in real life. Everyone is joyfully talking about their lives...except me.

I'm at my grandmother's grave, telling her about Olivia, the adoption and how my life has been the past 11 years she has been gone.  We all miss my grandmother, but I believe I am the only one at her grave because of the close relationship I had with her when she was alive. I remember hearing someone say at her funeral that I took her death harder than anyone else. I think I did take her death hard, and I'm still having a hard time moving on from her absence.  Losing Olivia only makes losing my grandmother worse.

According to my mother and father, my grandmother was a strong woman who was not afraid to speak her mind. I do wish cancer would not have taken her from us. She could have met Olivia, her first great-grandchild.  She could have stood by me during my pregnancy, and the difficult decision about adoption. In a way, she was a role model for me in my childhood. I desperately wanted to be like her, not afraid of saying what I wanted to say.  It would have saved us a lot of heartache.

My mom says she sees her mom in Olivia. Through the eyes, mostly.  I told mom maybe grandma was reincarnated into Olivia. We both laughed.

I grieve the loss of my daughter, but I also grieve the loss of my grandmother. One taken by cancer and the other by ignorance and selfishness.

The Child's Best Interest Fallacy

The more I read and learn about adoption, the more I'm convinced the problems associated with the practice go much deeper than just the act itself.  Our problems are based in our culture, and the way adoptions are executed today is a symptom of those cultural issues.  The adoption industry is taking advantage and making a lot of money.  Unfortunately, it is also leaving a lot of bodies in its wake.  Society at large does not comprehend the issues because they are so caught up in the concept of "the child's best interest."  What isn't realized is "the child's best interest" often translates to "an adults best interest."

My first clue to this disconnect was a conversation I had with a lawyer about seeking visitation of our granddaughter.  In the State she lives in if we had a relationship with our granddaughter we could try to get custody by claiming her parents were unfit. So, this discourages her adoptive parents from allowing visitation because visitation would allow us to build a relationship.  A relationship would allow  us to seek custody.  Are you dizzy yet?

The real loser in all of this is our granddaughter.  I pointed this out to the lawyer I spoke with.  His reply, "You have to see it from the child's perspective.  It's whats in her best interests."
"No, what you are really telling me is it's what's in her parents best interest."  I said.
"Yes," was the reply.  He went on to say, "These types of cases are why I wish we had a psychologist on staff."  This indicated to me he saw the flaws in the logic of letting an obviously biased adult decide what was in a child's best interest.

How many times have children been taken away from their parents because of poverty issues?  Rather than assisting the family, the children end up in foster care which is proven to be one of the worst possible outcomes for a child.  This is done because it is seen as being "in the child's best interest."  Somehow we've conned ourselves into believing that relative wealth correlates to the "best interest of a child".  An assumption that has often proven, although not necessarily visible to the populace as a whole, to be false.

 Now, we've stretched this belief to include unplanned pregnancies of women who may not have the financial support to care for a child.  We don't support her and her child.  We opt, instead, to allow people to tell her it's best if she give her child away to someone who deserves to be a parent.  We destroy a family to build a new one all in the misguided belief that it is in the "best interests of the child".

The case before the Supreme Court,  Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl (12-399), is another misplaced "best interests of the child" case.  The true best interests of this child would have been served if she were returned to her biological mother when the father challenged the adoption.  However, the adoptive couple were allowed to keep the child creating a complicated and difficult situation that's found it's way to the Supreme Court.

Ultimately, we are using what we consider "the child's best interest" to excuse ourselves from taking responsibility for the results of decisions made for children. The decisions made are almost always in an adult's best interests, not the child's.  How many children are best served by being adopted and having their pasts erased?  How many are best served being taken away from their parents due to poverty?  Not so many we can justify the policies which ultimately tear families apart.

Grandparents

My family, both sides, originate from a small midwestern town.  I grew up knowing I looked "just like my grandmother."  People always seemed to know by looking at me what family I belonged with.  I never thought too much about this until a family friend came up to me one day while I was playing outside my grandparents house.  She put her hand on my shoulder and said, "I just want to tell you, you look just like your Grandma S--.  I knew her most of her life, and it's incredible how much you resemble her."   I thanked her for telling me and told her I'd other people tell me the same thing.  This memory stands out because of the intense way she examined me while she spoke. It was a little eerie.  

These small town observations connected me to my grandparents in a way I think a lot of people aren't aware. They made my grandparents an important part of my life.  I spent most of my childhood at either one of their homes or the other as their homes served as my daycare until I started school.  I spent more time with them than my parents, and I mean this literally, until I became a teenager.

My dad's mother, the grandmother I resemble, passed away shortly after I turned 15, and I have wonderful memories of the time I spent with her.  Some of the happiest being with her and all of my cousins and the many Christmas Eve's putting up her silver tree and her Santa sleigh with the reindeer attached.

My dad's father passed away before I was born, so I never met him.

My mom's mother is still alive.  We used to talk on the phone every couple of weeks, but her hearing aids put a stop to that.  I don't visit enough in both my opinion and hers, but if I lived closer I would visit once a week taking up where my mother left off.

My mom's dad was an outgoing, opinionated and staunch democrat.  He never met a stranger and would talk to anyone, often engaging them in political discussions much to my embarrassment.  Prior to a visit, I would always warn my husband, who is much more conservative, not to start any political discussions.
"He's the one who starts them," he'd complain.  "What am I supposed to do, ignore him?"  I believe they both enjoyed these discussions too much to listen to me.

My grandma and grandpa were present when Charlie was born, with my grandma busting into the delivery room to take pictures.  A particular memory that makes me smile.

My grandfather always made a point of hugging me and looking me directly in the eyes and saying, "I am SO proud of you, Kellie," and I would say back to him, "I know you are Grandpa, " not fully understanding how much this would later mean to me.  He did this at the end of every visit as if that would be the last time he'd see me.  He died in 1999, just a few years before my mother.  They are buried in the same cemetery side-by-side.

I am tired of feeling guilty for caring about my granddaughter.  I feel as others think I do not have the right to care about her. I love my own grandparents very much.  They are an important part of who I am.  In some ways, they did more for me than either of my own parents.  This is why it hurts so much to be cut out of my granddaughter's life.  After being blessed with such wonderful grandparents, I just wanted to honor them by being the type of grandparent they were to me.

Original Birth Certificates

 There is a petition at We The People website asking for the Obama Administration to take action regarding adoptees obtaining access to their original birth certificates.  You can find this petition by clicking on the following link:  Original Birth Certificate petition. 

Please consider signing or  passing on this petition for others to sign.  It requires 100,000 signatures within 30 days in order to receive a response from the Obama Administration.  The petition was started on March 31, 2013 and ends on April 30, 2013, so signing and/or passing it on in a timely manner is important. 

Adoptees did not ask to be adopted.  Birth parents gave up their right to parent. They were never promised their identities would be kept secret.  The decision to give up their child to adoption was theirs.  The child given up was not consulted.  Why does the adult adoptee now have to consult the birth parent to get permission to receive information that should be rightfully theirs?  Why are they not afforded the same right and dignity of every other non-adopted adult in this country?

The preface to the petition states the following:

"Adult Adoptees do not have access to their original birth certificates in 43 of our 50 states. They are being denied a right that every other American has - a copy of their original birth certificate. The 14th Amendment is clear that:
“No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Therefore, the Adoption Community requests, proposes, demands an end to this blatant discrimination as soon as possible. Thousands are suffering under this archaic law.
A Federal Mandate to supersede state laws allowing adopted persons access to their own OBC."

The original birth certificate conveys human rights.  Among them the rights to an identity and a nationality.  These rights are recognized in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child--a convention the United States has signed.

Should anyone have the power to deny another person those rights?  Would you like someone to have that much power over you? 

Original Birth Certificate petition

My Nebraska Lizard

"Look up there on the road. What is that?"
As we got a little closer, I saw it clearly. "That's a lizard!" I yelled to my husband as we were coming off the interstate and driving up the exit ramp.
"That's not a lizard, Kellie," he said. "How could that possibly be a lizard?"
"Drive closer, I want a better look." I told him thinking I was going to prove him wrong.
Upon closer inspection I didn't see a lizard.

"It's a McDonald's cup'" I said disappointed because I was so sure of the lizard! A lizard in Omaha, Nebraska....on a freezing, snowy January night. Even if  such a thing as warm blooded lizards existed today,  I doubt they'd ever be mistaken for a McDonald's cup. Looking back to this moment in time in January 1990, I still see a lizard in my minds eye, but I also see the cup the lizard morphed into. Two totally different views held side by side for me to understand how mistaken I was.

People can be sooo sure they are right about something and...poof...reality is turned on it's proverbial head, and something totally different emerges. This is how I feel about my discovery about adoption. I knew, I KNEW, my view was THE RIGHT view prior to our granddaughter being relinquished. Then, just as quick as a lizard can morph into a McDonald's cup, my view on adoption turned upside down. I realized I had everything backwards. Where once my sympathies lay with the adoptive couple fighting for the child, they now lay with the biological family realizing they made a mistake in relinquishing and fighting for their child's return.

I've tried to keep up with what is going on with the story of the little girl whose life is in limbo because the adoptive parents refuse to give up their fight.  This case is painful to watch because the Capobianco's, the adoptive parents, are not thinking of the little girl.  They are fighting for their own selfish needs and wants.

Mr. Brown began this fight when his daughter was four months old.  Even though he signed away his rights to his daughter, he thought she would remain with her mother.  Upon realizing his mistake, he moved to block the adoption so his daughter would be raised with her biological relatives.

Does Mr. Brown make the most sympathetic character?  No, but neither do the Capobianco's with their continual fight to take this child back from her biological family.  In the past, I would have sided with the Capobianco's.  My old self would think the four months they had with her as being the next best thing to forever.  Now, I believe the minute he asked for his daughter back they should have given her back.  Without the Indian Child Welfare Act, the law favored the Capobianco's.  However, this doesn't mean ethics favored them, and when you are talking about the life of a child ethics and morals should be the law of the land. If they would have accepted the fact the child belonged with her biological family when she was 4 months old, there would be no case to go to the U.S. Supreme Court, and this little girl would not have been torn from a family after 2 years. Now, they want to risk more upheaval. These are not people who are thinking of the child.

 There is no doubt in my mind who should win this case.  Mr. Brown.  Not because he's the biological father, but because the little girl has a right to be raised with her biological family.  Her claim trumps all others.  If this case is supposed to be about what's in the best interests of the child, that's, as my Scottish friends would say, the decision made.