I hate the world I helped create that made my family a part of adoption. I hate that my daughter is in pain. I hate that my family is in pain. I hate hearing that my feelings toward adoption make me a "weirdo" or an "outlier".
I don't want to accept the reality I'm a part of now. I don't want to blog about it. I don't want my daughter to hurt. I don't want my family to hurt. I don't want to hurt.
The entire episode at the Single Infertile Female blog has become a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel like I've reverted back months. I was doing so well with my grief and regret...
I have to learn to stay away from sites like that.
The blog author claims to "want to understand, but the message being broadcast is from hateful people. How do they expect anyone to listen to you if you are so hateful."
Some of the comments on her post were from people who didn't have hateful messages or words, they just weren't positive about adoption. That wasn't good enough for her. If you weren't all rainbows and butterflies about adoption, she didn't want to listen.
I read her LONG blog post. I was encouraged because some of her views were "in line" with my own. Some of it was not, but I don't have to agree with someone 100%. I posted a comment because I thought "maybe they will listen". I was wrong. The very next post showed her spewing more of her "they are so hateful, I'm not going to listen" garbage.
She's listening to her own wants and needs. In the end she says it should be about the children.
Uh huh. It should be.
Her need to adopt is ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN she claims. She sees herself in the future with a baby in her arms. Now, that's what it's REALLY about.
She doesn't want to hear any negative messages about that future vision. She wants it, and she will disregard any messages contrary to her attainment of it. That's ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN all right!
I'm not against adoption. I know it is a necessary thing for children to find homes because their original homes were lost to them for various reasons. I know that there will always be women who do not think they can parent due to personal or financial reasons, and they will seek adoption as an alternative. That is their choice. However, I want those women to be given the details of the FULL impact of their decision. I want them to hear both sides of the story not just what the adoption industry wants them to hear.
I want restrictions put on adoption agencies. I don't want them to be able to tell a vulnerable women that she will be receiving "counseling" when the person speaking to them isn't a licensed counselor or their "counseling" is really just convincing a women how inadequate she is or what a gift she will be giving, and convincing her to give up her child. I don't want them able to collect tens of thousands of dollars for being middle men. They aren't making the product. They are brokers. They are salespeople. Salespeople of babies.
I want adoptees to not be second class citizens. I want their voices heard. I want every adoptee to have access to their birth certificate. I want them able to find their first parents and family.
What about any of that is "hateful"? What about that makes me an "outlier" or a "weirdo"?
I'm so sick of this argument. I'm not even part of the "adoption triad". I'm pretty sure my opinion is discounted because of that. I'm pretty sure some think I shouldn't be blogging about adoption because I'm not a part of the triad.
I hate this need I seem to have to write about any of this, but something within me will not let me let it go....
5 comments:
I for one am glad that you speak out. Your voice is important, your viewpoint may be able to help other moms searching for help after finding out their daughters are facing an unexpected pregnancy.
Those people who refuse to see the truth of the painful side of adoption will always find a reason to discredit anyone speaking out. I'm discredited by many because my son was lost to adoption 33 years ago. They claim adoption is so different now compared to 1979. They refuse to see that the loss is the same no matter how long ago it began.
The truth is ~ you are being discredited because they are afraid someone will read your words and change their opinions of adoption or that you might make someone decide to parent therefore limiting the # of babies available for them to adopt. Look at it as a badge of honor!
Thank you, Susie. You always manage to say the right thing.
I hope I did get under someones skin. I hope someone will read the comments on that post and think twice about their beliefs about adoption.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I am so sorry that my words hurt you in such a way. That truly was never my intention. As you said, my posts were long (it is kind of an issue I have... an inability to be concise) and I think you may have missed the parts where I linked to birth mothers who blog about their experiences and their need for change and even how I said I agree with their perspective and am thankful to them for opening my eyes? I am just learning right now, as are so many others, but yes... seeing adoptive parents painted as evil or even incapable of loving their adopted children completely (as I have seen written on that site) definitely strikes me as short sighted and painfully skewed as well. My only point in both posts is.... there is a middle there that can and should be reached. It is not all good, or all bad. There are terrible, painful, and sad stories (just as your daughters), but there are also good stories - stories where adoption truly was for the best, birth mothers who stand by their decision, children who grow up feeling loved and wanted, and adoptive parents who are not evil or vultures. There is a middle there. Which does not mean that nothing should change, because of course there is a need for change so that there are no more stories like your daughters. But completely discounting the good misses something as well.
Again, I am so sorry you were hurt by my words. Really and truly.
And just for the record, I do believe your perspective - as a mother who has watched her daughter go through something so painful - is absolutely valid and necessary. Part of the adoption triad or not, your voice is important too and I do appreciate your view. I just hope that you can appreciate mine, and the perspective I am coming at it from, as well.
S.I.F.,
I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply. I just wanted to take time to think it through. I have a tendency to come off too strong when I don't take my time. This is something I'm trying to work on, and I've not been very successful.
I know it is difficult to hear things told in a condescending manner. There is a tremendous amount of pain for first mothers, adoptees and natural families. It's hard to be "nice" when people know what's going on and choose to negate or ignore what they are saying. It only makes you want to yell louder.
I am glad you are listening. I'm happy you are aware of the problems with adoption in this country. I hope that you use this information inform others hoping to adopt about the truth of adoption. It's important for the children they might one day adopt. You have to start parenting those children before they are legally yours.
Personally, because of the propaganda put out by the adoption industry, I would have a difficult time adopting from any entity except the foster system. Too many people don't understand the realities of adoption including mothers contemplating relinquishing their children. They do not understand what they have been programmed to believe. They do not understand the consequences for the children they are relinquishing.
I could go on and on... but I'll stop with that.
Thank you for your kind words. As I said, I am glad you are listening.
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